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As A Sex Worker, I Made A Living Off Femininity. Then I Started Questioning My Gender.
“I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie.” By Hayley Jade, Guest Writer 11/18/2021 09:00am EST
I’ve never been able to fit neatly into a box: I’m bisexual, polyamorous, disabled, a sex worker — and recently I came out as nonbinary, after realizing that the negative feelings I had been having toward my body were gender dysphoria.
For most of my life, I was thin ― which fit the androgynous style I had been subconsciously expressing. During my late 20s, I started to gain weight, and for the last couple of years my new curves had been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I no longer knew what to wear because of my large breasts.
When I was naked they seemed like foreign objects I needed to get rid of, not a beautiful part of me. But as a sex worker, it was easy to use my breasts as part of a uniform that men found attractive. I covered them with lingerie just like the other sex workers I saw.
As an escort, I had been using femininity as a way to attract clients for years ― and before that, I had been using it to attract partners.
Growing up, I was a tomboy who tried to play tackle snow soccer with the boys, who refused to play with me. But as society put pressure on me to dress and behave in a more feminine way, I did. Whenever I had a date with a man or met a partner’s mother, I would put on a dress and speak in a higher pitch.
These are stereotypes of course ― you don’t have to do anything to be a woman. But I guess I knew that I was different at an early age, and to survive I told myself that I needed to blend in.
However, not being yourself takes a toll. Slowly, over the years, I’ve been experimenting with things that made me feel more comfortable and authentic. In all my relationships, I’ve borrowed my boyfriends’ T-shirts. But in my last one, I started borrowing my boyfriend’s boxers. He would comment that he preferred women’s underwear and that maybe I was trans ― and although he ended up being right, it goes to show just how gendered our society is when a woman can’t even wear comfortable underwear without being interrogated.
When I realized I was nonbinary, I was isolating during the pandemic. I was taking a break from sex work, was long-distance from my partner and was beginning to question everything I had been doing under the male gaze.
How did I want to express my gender now that it was just me in the room? I stopped wearing makeup and started shopping in the men’s section. Immediately I was angry that I had missed out on pockets my whole life.
I watched men like Machine Gun Kelly rock out on YouTube, having gender envy and wishing I could look and behave like him.
As I got vaccinated and prepared to go back to escorting, I started to feel this looming dread. I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie.
As I was reunited with my partner, I struggled to have sex with him. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him ― it was that I didn’t know how to have sex with him without performing femininity. I didn’t want to perform femininity for anyone again ― even if it meant I was going to have to retire from sex work and be broke.
Recently I’ve been taking some time to explore my gender. I chopped off my long hair and immediately felt like I could breathe again. I went to a gender-neutral hair salon and specifically asked for a “men’s haircut.” When I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I finally understood what gender euphoria felt like.
Later that day, I bought large sweaters to hide my chest and men’s joggers to hide my hips. I stopped shaving my legs for the first time since I was a child, and to my surprise I actually love it. Every day when I put on my clothes and run my hands through my hair I feel a sigh of relief that I am finally becoming the person I knew I was as a child.
Authenticity is the most important thing. As I’ve grown older, the idea of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to feed myself makes me increasingly unhappy. I know that a lot of trans people can’t transition, and that it’s a privilege to be able to be yourself ― especially when you don’t fit within the binary.
Earlier this year, I was terrified to wear a baseball cap over my long hair because I feared someone would think I looked too masculine. Even though it sounds irrational, that’s how scared I was to be myself. Now, I’m welcoming a journey of self discovery, playing around with my appearance and looking for a gender therapist.
And even though I’m not doing sex work right now, I’m still using my sex work Twitter to explore who I am. I even changed my name to something that feels more like me: Forrest.
Every so often, when I scroll through Twitter, I find more and more nonbinary and trans masculine sex workers I didn’t know existed. I became a sex worker because it was the best option for me as a disabled person at the time. It made me feel good that people found me attractive, despite the fact that I was disabled. It’s nice to know that if I wanted to go back to sex work, there would still be clients for me.
Even though I don’t feel comfortable going back to work right now, it gives me hope ― that maybe I can be myself in a job I loved, and learn to love it again.
Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch .
RELATED…
I’m A Disabled Sex Worker, And This Is What I Want You To Know I’m An Autistic Sex Worker, And Here’s Why It Works For Me I’m A Middle-Aged Woman Who Is Considering Hiring A Male Escort
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NEWSU.S. News World News Business Environment Health Coronavirus Social Justice POLITICS Joe Biden Congress Extremism ENTERTAINMENT Culture & Arts Media Celebrity TV & Film LIFE Style & Beauty Food & Drink Parenting Travel Wellness Relationships Money Home & Living Work/Life Shopping COMMUNITIES Queer Voices Women Black Voices Latino Voices Asian Voices SPECIAL PROJECTS Highline HUFFPOST PERSONAL VIDEO HOROSCOPES FROM OUR PARTNERS The Legacy Lives On NEWSLETTERS INTERNATIONAL Australia Brazil Canada España France Ελλάδα (Greece) India Italia 日本 (Japan) 한국 (Korea) Québec U.K. U.S. Follow UsTerms | Privacy Policy Part of HuffPost Personal. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.Log In Join HuffPost NEWS POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT LIFE PERSONAL SHOPPING VIDEO ×HUFFPOST PERSONAL As A Sex Worker, I Made A Living Off Femininity. Then I Started Questioning My Gender. “I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie.” By Hayley Jade, Guest Writer 11/18/2021 09:00am EST ALINA555 VIA GETTY IMAGES I’ve never been able to fit neatly into a box: I’m bisexual, polyamorous, disabled, a sex worker — and recently I came out as nonbinary, after realizing that the negative feelings I had been having toward my body were gender dysphoria. For most of my life, I was thin ― which fit the androgynous style I had been subconsciously expressing. During my late 20s, I started to gain weight, and for the last couple of years my new curves had been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I no longer knew what to wear because of my large breasts. When I was naked they seemed like foreign objects I needed to get rid of, not a beautiful part of me. But as a sex worker, it was easy to use my breasts as part of a uniform that men found attractive. I covered them with lingerie just like the other sex workers I saw. As an escort, I had been using femininity as a way to attract clients for years ― and before that, I had been using it to attract partners. Growing up, I was a tomboy who tried to play tackle snow soccer with the boys, who refused to play with me. But as society put pressure on me to dress and behave in a more feminine way, I did. Whenever I had a date with a man or met a partner’s mother, I would put on a dress and speak in a higher pitch. These are stereotypes of course ― you don’t have to do anything to be a woman. But I guess I knew that I was different at an early age, and to survive I told myself that I needed to blend in. However, not being yourself takes a toll. Slowly, over the years, I’ve been experimenting with things that made me feel more comfortable and authentic. In all my relationships, I’ve borrowed my boyfriends’ T-shirts. But in my last one, I started borrowing my boyfriend’s boxers. He would comment that he preferred women’s underwear and that maybe I was trans ― and although he ended up being right, it goes to show just how gendered our society is when a woman can’t even wear comfortable underwear without being interrogated. When I realized I was nonbinary, I was isolating during the pandemic. I was taking a break from sex work, was long-distance from my partner and was beginning to question everything I had been doing under the male gaze. How did I want to express my gender now that it was just me in the room? I stopped wearing makeup and started shopping in the men’s section. Immediately I was angry that I had missed out on pockets my whole life. I watched men like Machine Gun Kelly rock out on YouTube, having gender envy and wishing I could look and behave like him. As I got vaccinated and prepared to go back to escorting, I started to feel this looming dread. I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie. As I was reunited with my partner, I struggled to have sex with him. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him ― it was that I didn’t know how to have sex with him without performing femininity. I didn’t want to perform femininity for anyone again ― even if it meant I was going to have to retire from sex work and be broke. Recently I’ve been taking some time to explore my gender. I chopped off my long hair and immediately felt like I could breathe again. I went to a gender-neutral hair salon and specifically asked for a “men’s haircut.” When I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I finally understood what gender euphoria felt like. Later that day, I bought large sweaters to hide my chest and men’s joggers to hide my hips. I stopped shaving my legs for the first time since I was a child, and to my surprise I actually love it. Every day when I put on my clothes and run my hands through my hair I feel a sigh of relief that I am finally becoming the person I knew I was as a child. Authenticity is the most important thing. As I’ve grown older, the idea of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to feed myself makes me increasingly unhappy. I know that a lot of trans people can’t transition, and that it’s a privilege to be able to be yourself ― especially when you don’t fit within the binary. Earlier this year, I was terrified to wear a baseball cap over my long hair because I feared someone would think I looked too masculine. Even though it sounds irrational, that’s how scared I was to be myself. Now, I’m welcoming a journey of self discovery, playing around with my appearance and looking for a gender therapist. And even though I’m not doing sex work right now, I’m still using my sex work Twitter to explore who I am. I even changed my name to something that feels more like me: Forrest. Every so often, when I scroll through Twitter, I find more and more nonbinary and trans masculine sex workers I didn’t know existed. I became a sex worker because it was the best option for me as a disabled person at the time. It made me feel good that people found me attractive, despite the fact that I was disabled. It’s nice to know that if I wanted to go back to sex work, there would still be clients for me. Even though I don’t feel comfortable going back to work right now, it gives me hope ― that maybe I can be myself in a job I loved, and learn to love it again.Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch . RELATED…I’m A Disabled Sex Worker, And This Is What I Want You To Know I’m An Autistic Sex Worker, And Here’s Why It Works For Me I’m A Middle-Aged Woman Who Is Considering Hiring A Male Escort Hayley Jade, Guest Writer Guest Writer Suggest a correctionLGBTQ TRANS GENDER SEX WORK IDENTITY Popular in the CommunityAdChoices Sponsored House Moves Toward OK Of Dems’ Sweeping Social, Climate Bill Travis McMichael Says Ahmaud Arbery Didn’t Threaten Him During Fatal Chase Fauci Warns Of Uptick In Hospitalizations Among Fully Vaccinated, Touts Boosters Ahmaud Arbery’s Killer Testifies That He Brandished Gun To ‘De-Escalate’ Situation Ohio Republicans Pass Congressional Map Heavily Favoring Ohio Republicans Donald Trump Endorses Rep. Paul Gosar One Day After House Censure TRENDING Hoover Hid That Some Witnesses In Malcolm X Assassination Trial Were FBI Informants Julius Jones Receives Clemency, Sparing His Life Just Hours Before Scheduled Execution Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Murder Trial Bans MSNBC From Courthouse Josh Hawley, Manly Man Of The Senate Feds Indict Iranians In ‘False Flag’ Effort To Sow Fears About 2020 Election Integrity Must Reads Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. Subscribe to Must Reads. Successfully Subscribed! Realness delivered to your inbox Our CommunityAdChoices Sponsored3,715 Comments posted on HuffPost today CommentYou May Like Interviewer Was Not Expecting This Savage Response Boredom Therapy · Ad Possible Once-In-A-Decade Opportunity The Motley Fool · Ad Man Who Found ‘Gold’ Is In Awe To Learn Its Value Eternally Sunny · Ad They Didn’t Want to Work With Him, Now We Know Why Fresh Edit · Ad The Cast Of Gunsmoke: Then And Now Honest To Paws · Ad It’s Time To Pack Your Holiday Wish List With These lululemon Essentials HuffPost Smart Homes Are No Longer A Gimmick — They’re The Only Way Forward HuffPost Historians Still Cannot Explain This Photo GotGravy Lifestyle · Ad Who Was The Beauty Icon The Year You Were Born? Past Factory · Ad This Is Why You Should Cut Your Hair After 50 StyleBistro · Ad I Can’t Believe She Did THIS On Live TV… YourSportSpot · Ad 10 Food That Unclogs Arteries (Most People Ignore) HealthyGem · Ad Partial Lunar Eclipse Starts Around 1 a.m. Eastern And Will Be Around For Hours HuffPost Twitter Users Are Cackling Over DC Reporter’s Over-The-Top Vandalism Segment HuffPost Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson Are Officially Dating: Reports HuffPost WHAT’S HOT Texts Show Kimberly Guilfoyle Bragged About Raising Millions for Rally That Fueled Capitol Riot What It Really Feels Like To Get A COVID Booster Shot Seth Rogen And Nick Offerman Are The Absolute Worst In ‘Pam & Tommy’ First Look Ciara’s Toddler Steals The Show At White House To Promote Vaccines For Kids MORE IN HUFFPOST PERSONAL I Suffered For Years From Untreated ADHD — And It Didn’t Look Like What You’d Expect I’m Black. My Son Is White. Here’s What We Deal With When We Leave The House. This Is What No One Tells You About Being A Woman In Your 50s I Want To Keep My Parents Safe From COVID So They Have The Luxury Of Dying Of CancerNEWS POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT LIFE COMMUNITIES HUFFPOST PERSONAL VIDEO NEWSLETTERS HUFFPOST ABOUT US ADVERTISE CONTACT US RSS FAQ CAREERS ARCHIVE USER AGREEMENT COMMENT POLICY HUFFPOST PRESS ROOM PRIVACY POLICY DMCA POLICY CONSENT PREFERENCES DO NOT SELL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION Part of HuffPost Personal. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. The Huffington Post NEWSU.S. News World News Business Environment Health Coronavirus Social Justice POLITICS Joe Biden Congress Extremism ENTERTAINMENT Culture & Arts Media Celebrity TV & Film LIFE Style & Beauty Food & Drink Parenting Travel Wellness Relationships Money Home & Living Work/Life Shopping COMMUNITIES Queer Voices Women Black Voices Latino Voices Asian Voices SPECIAL PROJECTS Highline HUFFPOST PERSONAL VIDEO HOROSCOPES FROM OUR PARTNERS The Legacy Lives On NEWSLETTERS INTERNATIONAL Australia Brazil Canada España France Ελλάδα (Greece) India Italia 日本 (Japan) 한국 (Korea) Québec U.K. U.S. Follow UsTerms | Privacy Policy Part of HuffPost Personal. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.Log In Join HuffPost NEWS POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT LIFE PERSONAL SHOPPING VIDEO ×HUFFPOST PERSONAL As A Sex Worker, I Made A Living Off Femininity. Then I Started Questioning My Gender. “I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie.” By Hayley Jade, Guest Writer 11/18/2021 09:00am EST ALINA555 VIA GETTY IMAGES I’ve never been able to fit neatly into a box: I’m bisexual, polyamorous, disabled, a sex worker — and recently I came out as nonbinary, after realizing that the negative feelings I had been having toward my body were gender dysphoria. For most of my life, I was thin ― which fit the androgynous style I had been subconsciously expressing. During my late 20s, I started to gain weight, and for the last couple of years my new curves had been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I no longer knew what to wear because of my large breasts. When I was naked they seemed like foreign objects I needed to get rid of, not a beautiful part of me. But as a sex worker, it was easy to use my breasts as part of a uniform that men found attractive. I covered them with lingerie just like the other sex workers I saw. As an escort, I had been using femininity as a way to attract clients for years ― and before that, I had been using it to attract partners. Growing up, I was a tomboy who tried to play tackle snow soccer with the boys, who refused to play with me. But as society put pressure on me to dress and behave in a more feminine way, I did. Whenever I had a date with a man or met a partner’s mother, I would put on a dress and speak in a higher pitch. These are stereotypes of course ― you don’t have to do anything to be a woman. But I guess I knew that I was different at an early age, and to survive I told myself that I needed to blend in. However, not being yourself takes a toll. Slowly, over the years, I’ve been experimenting with things that made me feel more comfortable and authentic. In all my relationships, I’ve borrowed my boyfriends’ T-shirts. But in my last one, I started borrowing my boyfriend’s boxers. He would comment that he preferred women’s underwear and that maybe I was trans ― and although he ended up being right, it goes to show just how gendered our society is when a woman can’t even wear comfortable underwear without being interrogated. When I realized I was nonbinary, I was isolating during the pandemic. I was taking a break from sex work, was long-distance from my partner and was beginning to question everything I had been doing under the male gaze. How did I want to express my gender now that it was just me in the room? I stopped wearing makeup and started shopping in the men’s section. Immediately I was angry that I had missed out on pockets my whole life. I watched men like Machine Gun Kelly rock out on YouTube, having gender envy and wishing I could look and behave like him. As I got vaccinated and prepared to go back to escorting, I started to feel this looming dread. I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie. As I was reunited with my partner, I struggled to have sex with him. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him ― it was that I didn’t know how to have sex with him without performing femininity. I didn’t want to perform femininity for anyone again ― even if it meant I was going to have to retire from sex work and be broke. Recently I’ve been taking some time to explore my gender. I chopped off my long hair and immediately felt like I could breathe again. I went to a gender-neutral hair salon and specifically asked for a “men’s haircut.” When I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I finally understood what gender euphoria felt like. Later that day, I bought large sweaters to hide my chest and men’s joggers to hide my hips. I stopped shaving my legs for the first time since I was a child, and to my surprise I actually love it. Every day when I put on my clothes and run my hands through my hair I feel a sigh of relief that I am finally becoming the person I knew I was as a child. Authenticity is the most important thing. As I’ve grown older, the idea of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to feed myself makes me increasingly unhappy. I know that a lot of trans people can’t transition, and that it’s a privilege to be able to be yourself ― especially when you don’t fit within the binary. Earlier this year, I was terrified to wear a baseball cap over my long hair because I feared someone would think I looked too masculine. Even though it sounds irrational, that’s how scared I was to be myself. Now, I’m welcoming a journey of self discovery, playing around with my appearance and looking for a gender therapist. And even though I’m not doing sex work right now, I’m still using my sex work Twitter to explore who I am. I even changed my name to something that feels more like me: Forrest. Every so often, when I scroll through Twitter, I find more and more nonbinary and trans masculine sex workers I didn’t know existed. I became a sex worker because it was the best option for me as a disabled person at the time. It made me feel good that people found me attractive, despite the fact that I was disabled. It’s nice to know that if I wanted to go back to sex work, there would still be clients for me. Even though I don’t feel comfortable going back to work right now, it gives me hope ― that maybe I can be myself in a job I loved, and learn to love it again.Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch . RELATED…I’m A Disabled Sex Worker, And This Is What I Want You To Know I’m An Autistic Sex Worker, And Here’s Why It Works For Me I’m A Middle-Aged Woman Who Is Considering Hiring A Male Escort Hayley Jade, Guest Writer Guest Writer Suggest a correctionLGBTQ TRANS GENDER SEX WORK IDENTITY Popular in the CommunityAdChoices Sponsored House Moves Toward OK Of Dems’ Sweeping Social, Climate Bill Travis McMichael Says Ahmaud Arbery Didn’t Threaten Him During Fatal Chase Fauci Warns Of Uptick In Hospitalizations Among Fully Vaccinated, Touts Boosters Ahmaud Arbery’s Killer Testifies That He Brandished Gun To ‘De-Escalate’ Situation Ohio Republicans Pass Congressional Map Heavily Favoring Ohio Republicans Donald Trump Endorses Rep. Paul Gosar One Day After House Censure TRENDING Hoover Hid That Some Witnesses In Malcolm X Assassination Trial Were FBI Informants Julius Jones Receives Clemency, Sparing His Life Just Hours Before Scheduled Execution Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Murder Trial Bans MSNBC From Courthouse Josh Hawley, Manly Man Of The Senate Feds Indict Iranians In ‘False Flag’ Effort To Sow Fears About 2020 Election Integrity Must Reads Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. Subscribe to Must Reads. Successfully Subscribed! Realness delivered to your inbox Our CommunityAdChoices Sponsored3,715 Comments posted on HuffPost today CommentYou May Like Interviewer Was Not Expecting This Savage Response Boredom Therapy · Ad Possible Once-In-A-Decade Opportunity The Motley Fool · Ad Man Who Found ‘Gold’ Is In Awe To Learn Its Value Eternally Sunny · Ad They Didn’t Want to Work With Him, Now We Know Why Fresh Edit · Ad The Cast Of Gunsmoke: Then And Now Honest To Paws · Ad It’s Time To Pack Your Holiday Wish List With These lululemon Essentials HuffPost Smart Homes Are No Longer A Gimmick — They’re The Only Way Forward HuffPost Historians Still Cannot Explain This Photo GotGravy Lifestyle · Ad Who Was The Beauty Icon The Year You Were Born? Past Factory · Ad This Is Why You Should Cut Your Hair After 50 StyleBistro · Ad I Can’t Believe She Did THIS On Live TV… YourSportSpot · Ad 10 Food That Unclogs Arteries (Most People Ignore) HealthyGem · Ad Partial Lunar Eclipse Starts Around 1 a.m. Eastern And Will Be Around For Hours HuffPost Twitter Users Are Cackling Over DC Reporter’s Over-The-Top Vandalism Segment HuffPost Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson Are Officially Dating: Reports HuffPost WHAT’S HOT Texts Show Kimberly Guilfoyle Bragged About Raising Millions for Rally That Fueled Capitol Riot What It Really Feels Like To Get A COVID Booster Shot Seth Rogen And Nick Offerman Are The Absolute Worst In ‘Pam & Tommy’ First Look Ciara’s Toddler Steals The Show At White House To Promote Vaccines For Kids MORE IN HUFFPOST PERSONAL I Suffered For Years From Untreated ADHD — And It Didn’t Look Like What You’d Expect I’m Black. My Son Is White. Here’s What We Deal With When We Leave The House. This Is What No One Tells You About Being A Woman In Your 50s I Want To Keep My Parents Safe From COVID So They Have The Luxury Of Dying Of CancerNEWS POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT LIFE COMMUNITIES HUFFPOST PERSONAL VIDEO NEWSLETTERS HUFFPOST ABOUT US ADVERTISE CONTACT US RSS FAQ CAREERS ARCHIVE USER AGREEMENT COMMENT POLICY HUFFPOST PRESS ROOM PRIVACY POLICY DMCA POLICY CONSENT PREFERENCES DO NOT SELL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION Part of HuffPost Personal. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. The Huffington Post NEWSU.S. News World News Business Environment Health Coronavirus Social Justice POLITICS Joe Biden Congress Extremism ENTERTAINMENT Culture & Arts Media Celebrity TV & Film LIFE Style & Beauty Food & Drink Parenting Travel Wellness Relationships Money Home & Living Work/Life Shopping COMMUNITIES Queer Voices Women Black Voices Latino Voices Asian Voices SPECIAL PROJECTS Highline HUFFPOST PERSONAL VIDEO HOROSCOPES FROM OUR PARTNERS The Legacy Lives On NEWSLETTERS INTERNATIONAL Australia Brazil Canada España France Ελλάδα (Greece) India Italia 日本 (Japan) 한국 (Korea) Québec U.K. U.S. Follow UsTerms | Privacy Policy Part of HuffPost Personal. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.Log In Join HuffPost NEWS POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT LIFE PERSONAL SHOPPING VIDEO ×HUFFPOST PERSONAL As A Sex Worker, I Made A Living Off Femininity. Then I Started Questioning My Gender. “I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie.” By Hayley Jade, Guest Writer 11/18/2021 09:00am EST ALINA555 VIA GETTY IMAGES I’ve never been able to fit neatly into a box: I’m bisexual, polyamorous, disabled, a sex worker — and recently I came out as nonbinary, after realizing that the negative feelings I had been having toward my body were gender dysphoria. For most of my life, I was thin ― which fit the androgynous style I had been subconsciously expressing. During my late 20s, I started to gain weight, and for the last couple of years my new curves had been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I no longer knew what to wear because of my large breasts. When I was naked they seemed like foreign objects I needed to get rid of, not a beautiful part of me. But as a sex worker, it was easy to use my breasts as part of a uniform that men found attractive. I covered them with lingerie just like the other sex workers I saw. As an escort, I had been using femininity as a way to attract clients for years ― and before that, I had been using it to attract partners. Growing up, I was a tomboy who tried to play tackle snow soccer with the boys, who refused to play with me. But as society put pressure on me to dress and behave in a more feminine way, I did. Whenever I had a date with a man or met a partner’s mother, I would put on a dress and speak in a higher pitch. These are stereotypes of course ― you don’t have to do anything to be a woman. But I guess I knew that I was different at an early age, and to survive I told myself that I needed to blend in. However, not being yourself takes a toll. Slowly, over the years, I’ve been experimenting with things that made me feel more comfortable and authentic. In all my relationships, I’ve borrowed my boyfriends’ T-shirts. But in my last one, I started borrowing my boyfriend’s boxers. He would comment that he preferred women’s underwear and that maybe I was trans ― and although he ended up being right, it goes to show just how gendered our society is when a woman can’t even wear comfortable underwear without being interrogated. When I realized I was nonbinary, I was isolating during the pandemic. I was taking a break from sex work, was long-distance from my partner and was beginning to question everything I had been doing under the male gaze. How did I want to express my gender now that it was just me in the room? I stopped wearing makeup and started shopping in the men’s section. Immediately I was angry that I had missed out on pockets my whole life. I watched men like Machine Gun Kelly rock out on YouTube, having gender envy and wishing I could look and behave like him. As I got vaccinated and prepared to go back to escorting, I started to feel this looming dread. I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie. As I was reunited with my partner, I struggled to have sex with him. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him ― it was that I didn’t know how to have sex with him without performing femininity. I didn’t want to perform femininity for anyone again ― even if it meant I was going to have to retire from sex work and be broke. Recently I’ve been taking some time to explore my gender. I chopped off my long hair and immediately felt like I could breathe again. I went to a gender-neutral hair salon and specifically asked for a “men’s haircut.” When I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I finally understood what gender euphoria felt like. Later that day, I bought large sweaters to hide my chest and men’s joggers to hide my hips. I stopped shaving my legs for the first time since I was a child, and to my surprise I actually love it. Every day when I put on my clothes and run my hands through my hair I feel a sigh of relief that I am finally becoming the person I knew I was as a child. Authenticity is the most important thing. As I’ve grown older, the idea of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to feed myself makes me increasingly unhappy. I know that a lot of trans people can’t transition, and that it’s a privilege to be able to be yourself ― especially when you don’t fit within the binary. Earlier this year, I was terrified to wear a baseball cap over my long hair because I feared someone would think I looked too masculine. Even though it sounds irrational, that’s how scared I was to be myself. Now, I’m welcoming a journey of self discovery, playing around with my appearance and looking for a gender therapist. And even though I’m not doing sex work right now, I’m still using my sex work Twitter to explore who I am. I even changed my name to something that feels more like me: Forrest. Every so often, when I scroll through Twitter, I find more and more nonbinary and trans masculine sex workers I didn’t know existed. I became a sex worker because it was the best option for me as a disabled person at the time. It made me feel good that people found me attractive, despite the fact that I was disabled. It’s nice to know that if I wanted to go back to sex work, there would still be clients for me. Even though I don’t feel comfortable going back to work right now, it gives me hope ― that maybe I can be myself in a job I loved, and learn to love it again.Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch . RELATED…I’m A Disabled Sex Worker, And This Is What I Want You To Know I’m An Autistic Sex Worker, And Here’s Why It Works For Me I’m A Middle-Aged Woman Who Is Considering Hiring A Male Escort Hayley Jade, Guest Writer Guest Writer Suggest a correctionLGBTQ TRANS GENDER SEX WORK IDENTITY Popular in the CommunityAdChoices Sponsored House Moves Toward OK Of Dems’ Sweeping Social, Climate Bill Travis McMichael Says Ahmaud Arbery Didn’t Threaten Him During Fatal Chase Fauci Warns Of Uptick In Hospitalizations Among Fully Vaccinated, Touts Boosters Ahmaud Arbery’s Killer Testifies That He Brandished Gun To ‘De-Escalate’ Situation Ohio Republicans Pass Congressional Map Heavily Favoring Ohio Republicans Donald Trump Endorses Rep. Paul Gosar One Day After House Censure TRENDING Hoover Hid That Some Witnesses In Malcolm X Assassination Trial Were FBI Informants Julius Jones Receives Clemency, Sparing His Life Just Hours Before Scheduled Execution Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Murder Trial Bans MSNBC From Courthouse Josh Hawley, Manly Man Of The Senate Feds Indict Iranians In ‘False Flag’ Effort To Sow Fears About 2020 Election Integrity Must Reads Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. Subscribe to Must Reads. Successfully Subscribed! Realness delivered to your inbox Our CommunityAdChoices Sponsored3,715 Comments posted on HuffPost today CommentYou May Like Interviewer Was Not Expecting This Savage Response Boredom Therapy · Ad Possible Once-In-A-Decade Opportunity The Motley Fool · Ad Man Who Found ‘Gold’ Is In Awe To Learn Its Value Eternally Sunny · Ad They Didn’t Want to Work With Him, Now We Know Why Fresh Edit · Ad The Cast Of Gunsmoke: Then And Now Honest To Paws · Ad It’s Time To Pack Your Holiday Wish List With These lululemon Essentials HuffPost Smart Homes Are No Longer A Gimmick — They’re The Only Way Forward HuffPost Historians Still Cannot Explain This Photo GotGravy Lifestyle · Ad Who Was The Beauty Icon The Year You Were Born? 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I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie.” By Hayley Jade, Guest Writer 11/18/2021 09:00am EST ALINA555 VIA GETTY IMAGES I’ve never been able to fit neatly into a box: I’m bisexual, polyamorous, disabled, a sex worker — and recently I came out as nonbinary, after realizing that the negative feelings I had been having toward my body were gender dysphoria. For most of my life, I was thin ― which fit the androgynous style I had been subconsciously expressing. During my late 20s, I started to gain weight, and for the last couple of years my new curves had been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I no longer knew what to wear because of my large breasts. When I was naked they seemed like foreign objects I needed to get rid of, not a beautiful part of me. But as a sex worker, it was easy to use my breasts as part of a uniform that men found attractive. I covered them with lingerie just like the other sex workers I saw. As an escort, I had been using femininity as a way to attract clients for years ― and before that, I had been using it to attract partners. Growing up, I was a tomboy who tried to play tackle snow soccer with the boys, who refused to play with me. But as society put pressure on me to dress and behave in a more feminine way, I did. Whenever I had a date with a man or met a partner’s mother, I would put on a dress and speak in a higher pitch. These are stereotypes of course ― you don’t have to do anything to be a woman. But I guess I knew that I was different at an early age, and to survive I told myself that I needed to blend in. However, not being yourself takes a toll. Slowly, over the years, I’ve been experimenting with things that made me feel more comfortable and authentic. In all my relationships, I’ve borrowed my boyfriends’ T-shirts. But in my last one, I started borrowing my boyfriend’s boxers. He would comment that he preferred women’s underwear and that maybe I was trans ― and although he ended up being right, it goes to show just how gendered our society is when a woman can’t even wear comfortable underwear without being interrogated. When I realized I was nonbinary, I was isolating during the pandemic. I was taking a break from sex work, was long-distance from my partner and was beginning to question everything I had been doing under the male gaze. How did I want to express my gender now that it was just me in the room? I stopped wearing makeup and started shopping in the men’s section. Immediately I was angry that I had missed out on pockets my whole life. I watched men like Machine Gun Kelly rock out on YouTube, having gender envy and wishing I could look and behave like him. As I got vaccinated and prepared to go back to escorting, I started to feel this looming dread. I was a different person now. I couldn’t go back to dresses, heels and lingerie. As I was reunited with my partner, I struggled to have sex with him. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him ― it was that I didn’t know how to have sex with him without performing femininity. I didn’t want to perform femininity for anyone again ― even if it meant I was going to have to retire from sex work and be broke. Recently I’ve been taking some time to explore my gender. I chopped off my long hair and immediately felt like I could breathe again. I went to a gender-neutral hair salon and specifically asked for a “men’s haircut.” When I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I finally understood what gender euphoria felt like. Later that day, I bought large sweaters to hide my chest and men’s joggers to hide my hips. I stopped shaving my legs for the first time since I was a child, and to my surprise I actually love it. Every day when I put on my clothes and run my hands through my hair I feel a sigh of relief that I am finally becoming the person I knew I was as a child. Authenticity is the most important thing. As I’ve grown older, the idea of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to feed myself makes me increasingly unhappy. I know that a lot of trans people can’t transition, and that it’s a privilege to be able to be yourself ― especially when you don’t fit within the binary. Earlier this year, I was terrified to wear a baseball cap over my long hair because I feared someone would think I looked too masculine. Even though it sounds irrational, that’s how scared I was to be myself. Now, I’m welcoming a journey of self discovery, playing around with my appearance and looking for a gender therapist. And even though I’m not doing sex work right now, I’m still using my sex work Twitter to explore who I am. I even changed my name to something that feels more like me: Forrest. Every so often, when I scroll through Twitter, I find more and more nonbinary and trans masculine sex workers I didn’t know existed. I became a sex worker because it was the best option for me as a disabled person at the time. It made me feel good that people found me attractive, despite the fact that I was disabled. It’s nice to know that if I wanted to go back to sex work, there would still be clients for me. Even though I don’t feel comfortable going back to work right now, it gives me hope ― that maybe I can be myself in a job I loved, and learn to love it again.Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch . RELATED…I’m A Disabled Sex Worker, And This Is What I Want You To Know I’m An Autistic Sex Worker, And Here’s Why It Works For Me I’m A Middle-Aged Woman Who Is Considering Hiring A Male Escort Hayley Jade, Guest Writer Guest Writer Suggest a correctionLGBTQ TRANS GENDER SEX WORK IDENTITY Popular in the CommunityAdChoices Sponsored House Moves Toward OK Of Dems’ Sweeping Social, Climate Bill Travis McMichael Says Ahmaud Arbery Didn’t Threaten Him During Fatal Chase Fauci Warns Of Uptick In Hospitalizations Among Fully Vaccinated, Touts Boosters Ahmaud Arbery’s Killer Testifies That He Brandished Gun To ‘De-Escalate’ Situation Ohio Republicans Pass Congressional Map Heavily Favoring Ohio Republicans Donald Trump Endorses Rep. Paul Gosar One Day After House Censure TRENDING Hoover Hid That Some Witnesses In Malcolm X Assassination Trial Were FBI Informants Julius Jones Receives Clemency, Sparing His Life Just Hours Before Scheduled Execution Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Murder Trial Bans MSNBC From Courthouse Josh Hawley, Manly Man Of The Senate Feds Indict Iranians In ‘False Flag’ Effort To Sow Fears About 2020 Election Integrity Must Reads Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. Subscribe to Must Reads. Successfully Subscribed! Realness delivered to your inbox Our CommunityAdChoices Sponsored3,715 Comments posted on HuffPost today CommentYou May Like Interviewer Was Not Expecting This Savage Response Boredom Therapy · Ad Possible Once-In-A-Decade Opportunity The Motley Fool · Ad Man Who Found ‘Gold’ Is In Awe To Learn Its Value Eternally Sunny · Ad They Didn’t Want to Work With Him, Now We Know Why Fresh Edit · Ad The Cast Of Gunsmoke: Then And Now Honest To Paws · Ad It’s Time To Pack Your Holiday Wish List With These lululemon Essentials HuffPost Smart Homes Are No Longer A Gimmick — They’re The Only Way Forward HuffPost Historians Still Cannot Explain This Photo GotGravy Lifestyle · Ad Who Was The Beauty Icon The Year You Were Born? Past Factory · Ad This Is Why You Should Cut Your Hair After 50 StyleBistro · Ad I Can’t Believe She Did THIS On Live TV… YourSportSpot · Ad 10 Food That Unclogs Arteries (Most People Ignore) HealthyGem · Ad Partial Lunar Eclipse Starts Around 1 a.m. Eastern And Will Be Around For Hours HuffPost Twitter Users Are Cackling Over DC Reporter’s Over-The-Top Vandalism Segment HuffPost Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson Are Officially Dating: Reports HuffPost WHAT’S HOT Texts Show Kimberly Guilfoyle Bragged About Raising Millions for Rally That Fueled Capitol Riot What It Really Feels Like To Get A COVID Booster Shot Seth Rogen And Nick Offerman Are The Absolute Worst In ‘Pam & Tommy’ First Look Ciara’s Toddler Steals The Show At White House To Promote Vaccines For Kids MORE IN HUFFPOST PERSONAL I Suffered For Years From Untreated ADHD — And It Didn’t Look Like What You’d Expect I’m Black. My Son Is White. Here’s What We Deal With When We Leave The House. This Is What No One Tells You About Being A Woman In Your 50s I Want To Keep My Parents Safe From COVID So They Have The Luxury Of Dying Of CancerNEWS POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT LIFE COMMUNITIES HUFFPOST PERSONAL VIDEO NEWSLETTERS HUFFPOST ABOUT US ADVERTISE CONTACT US RSS FAQ CAREERS ARCHIVE USER AGREEMENT COMMENT POLICY HUFFPOST PRESS ROOM PRIVACY POLICY DMCA POLICY CONSENT PREFERENCES DO NOT SELL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION Part of HuffPost Personal. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. The Huffington Post