Tears came to my eyes when I saw Ozzy Osbourne chew off a rat’s head at a concert.

 

In a trembling voice I said to myself, “there is meaning to life.” I have all of his CD’s and some of my favorite albums are SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, BARK AT THE MOON, and the ULTIMATE SIN.

 

Once I became a fan, I got tattoos all over my body and with a pocketknife I scrawled Satanic symbols on my forehead. Then I dressed in black and dyed my hair purple. (I mean were talking about pure Goth.) After that, I painted every room in the house black.

 

Can we talk? When I hear one of his albums, I get out of my chair and march to a corner where I can bang my head against the wall. Bang. Bang. Bang. You know?

 

My wife, Jennifer, threatened divorce and my employer expressed concern about my behavior and I threatened to sue them.

 

One night when I was watching THE REAL WORLD on MTV, they announced that there would be a new show called THE OSBOURNES. They promised that the viewers could see the behind the scenes life of Ozzy.  Incredible! I imagined that I could watch Ozzy do a line of cocaine with his kids, enjoy Goth sex with his wife, and maybe watch the family torture a baby puppy.

 

After the show came on, I was devastated. I thought that my disciple of the Prince of Darkness would really gross out everybody. You know? I like it when he shakes those rubber snakes, loses his lunch in front of a crowd, and chews on rats. He gets his biggest applause when he moons his fans. So what do I see on

MTV?

 

Along with 6 million other viewers, I see my hero tell his kids not to do sex (no messin’)  drugs and they have a curfew.  There are crosses and crucifixes all over the house. He walks the dog, watches television (although he can’t work the remote) recycles, cleans up after the dog, and likes to stay at home. He is affectionate with his wife and kids and works out.

 

I really got nauseated when his new video came out. He sings along with some children about the virtues of believing in a higher power or Jesus and God. It debuts at #4 and he has sold 70 million albums. There is a viscous rumor out there that he watches mass for shut-ins on the ETERNAL WORD NETWORK.

 

By the third show, I was in bed with angina (I have a bad heart) and depression.

This show is killing me. Everything that I believed in has been smashed to bits.

I sold my CD’s on Ebay. As part of my recovery, I take baths and clean my room. My wife is beginning to talk to me again.

 

My shrink tells me that maybe Ozzy is more like Ozzie Nelson of  OZZIE AND HARRIET. I am also doing my serenity prayer and am going through the 12-step program. Further, getting my tattoos and scars removed, and have gotten new friends.

 

You can still see THE OSBOURNES, but I am watching another channel and taking an antidepressant.

 

(Some of the above statements made by the author in reference to his personal life are not necessarily true. The Editor.)