ELECTONIC FIREPLACE

(2006) THE GAZETTE 12/13  3 E/ LANG

At one time, there were fire places. You put wood in them and they burned,snapped and popped

so that you wanted to watch the fire. You also got some heat, but the biggest thrill was watching the flames and the log.

Then one day back in the 60's, some creep invented gas logs. That means that the log was a phony and the flames were really gas that was in a control burn mode. They were called "gas logs'" You turned them on and after a while you turned them off. Now that was really a cheap thrill.

Another jerk came along and invented electric fire places. The fireplace looked the part, but the log had a light bulb in it. Around the bulb whirled a plastic gizmo that helped the light bulb appear to be a spark of fire. You clicked on the fire place and you clicked it off. You did the same thing with your lava light. That was a terribly cheap thrill. If you smoked dope, it helped with the ambience.

Now comes the worst. You purchase a DVD and it has a burning log that goes into your plasma screen. You put the DVD in and there is the fire that you wanted. So you turn up the air conditioner in the summer and turn on this phony fire that is in the television screen and you watch it under the covers..The DVD fireplace warms the soul for about 20 bucks a pop.It can also repeat itself.So what do I think? Tawdry. Really, really bad! That's like being at a laundromat on Christmas eve. .

I must confess that I have a guilty pleasure. I like to hear thunder and lightning and the pouring of the rain in the woods. At my back window is thousands of trees. However, it is a sunny day.

What is a person to do? Well, you close the blinds, and you put this CD in your player. You turn it on fairly loud and pretty soon you get the sound of thunder and rain. Now how about that?

The den stays clean and dry, you get the euphoria and then you go see a man about a horse.

Take a nap. After that, you go to a strip mall and buy something that appears to be something else. After that, you click on the internet where you can live in a virtual world and do things. Then you go to bed and after that you get up and go to work and then you do something else that is like something you did as a kid, but now it is on something that is electronic, so you don't really do what you really did when you were young, but you feel that you did. And on and and on and on.

Ain' t that the berries?