CORNFIELD CASINOS

The other day, my wife and I decided to go to a gambling casino. I am not into gambling. Years ago, I bet on the horses. I would place a $2.00 bet on the favorite to “show “which means that I could win if my horse came in the top 3 spots. We rarely won much and had a few beers and then went out to eat. I was a little disturbed when on the jumbotron one of the horses was pulling its head toward the side indicating that the jockey was trying to lose.

The other attempt was penny poker in cards. It was a bust. There are thousands okay hundreds of ways of playing poker and I was so bad that I just put all my money in the pot and headed for the television.

I have addictions and afflictions, but gambling is not one of them. Thus, we went to a casino that literally was built in the cornfields of Iowa. It is a pretty building and it has a couple of restaurants, mall, clothing store, and related. What I was looking for was all the strategies to make us spend our money.

First, the casino is in the middle and it is surrounded by waterfalls in every direction. Secondly, there was an ambience in the room that did not indicate a floral smell or anything else. It was radically neutral. That means that you don’t smell anything that could  smell as offensive. The only exception is the smoking area and there smoke won over the chemicals that were used to neutralize the place. Third women and men who ran the machines wore upscale androgynous clothes. Bouncers blended with the crowd and cocktail waitresses were dressed more modestly than in Vegas (I am told.) Customers wore jeans.

Fourth, the sounds partially alluded to before were also covered with a combination of waterfalls, and up/down sound machine, an audio overlay of big band music, and the phony clang of a machine that paid off.

Fifth, there was a blizzard of lights from the casino especially where there were just lines and lines of electronic slot machines. So you were in a rainfall of lights flashing and noises grinding out various mind numbing sounds.

Sixth, what was clear is that there were black and white lights telling you where to put your money and where to push the electronic slot. We don’t gamble, but because we

have been married for 40 years, we spent 40 dollars. I was invited by my wife to start.

I played quarters and lost 5 dollars in a hurry. So I nudged my wife to do her part. She won 62 dollars and then later 10 dollars. Then we left. All of this took 20 minutes.

Unlike Vegas, drinks are expensive as Iowa law indicates that you can’t be drunk and play the machines. Food was also expensive. It gets cheaper if you establish yourself in the Casino.

From here on, I am going to give you Charlie’s strategy* on how to win the slots. He read a great deal about it and experienced it. His goal was to make enough to pay for the room and transportation to and from Vegas. Further, one year he was so very sick that he drug himself over to a casino and went to work. Then went home and back to bed. In one year, after expenses, he won $14,000 and played almost every day. When he got well, he went back to his day job.

I WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT CHARLIE DID. I AM GOING TO TELL YOU HIS STRATEGY BUT I WILL NOT HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE IF YOU LOSE. I ULTIMATELY DO NOT KNOW IF THIS WORKS. I HAVE NOT TRIED IT AND I DO NOT ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO SO.

WITH THAT LEGAL CAVEAT OUT OF THE WAY, WE SHALL BEGIN.

Charlie would drag himself into the Casino and go for the 2nd slot machine near the end of the row. Each machine has a number on the side. He would follow the machine. If it was moved then he went with the machine. Don’t play anything less than a dollar a slot.

Anything less will ALWAYS return something like 75 cents on the dollar. One dollar slots over time will pay back 97 cents. So stick with the dollar slots.

When he walked into a Casino, he had 500 dollars in his right pocket and nothing in his left pocket in terms of money. If and when the 500 dollars was completely gone from his right pocket, he left. It was a job that could be enjoyable, but he knew that the odds favor the house and that many tears build casinos. He also knew that if he spent just a little more money it would not likely make up for all of his losses. You lose. You lose.

He  kept a small book on his winnings and loses. Gamblers have a tendency to tell about their winnings and not the rest. Overwhelmingly, most people most of the time are losers or the Casino would have to shut down.

Charlie would have a credit slip for 500 dollars. He played and when he won, he put the card which at one time was money into his left pocket. He continued to play until the money ran out or until he won and it was time to go. Some nights, he won thousands but most nights his original money was gone and he left for other endeavors. The Casino was work plus some fun, not the other way.

When we left, I tried to read the body language of the people playing. Very few people were smiling.

*Charlie died recently of natural causes. He spent nearly all of his life outside of Casinos.

He had better things to do.